3 Struggles I See Most Often With Discipline

3 Struggles I See Most Often With Discipline

Madison Longchamp, MS, LPC

I see parents struggling all the time with discipline. Sometimes they’re inconsistent, sometimes the consequences don’t work or make sense, and sometimes it’s just complicated. I also see the other side. Kids and teens affected by discipline that isn’t effective or is confusing. 

Here are some common mistakes I see and some ways to adapt. 

1. Making your reaction the consequence. 

When we yell, ignore, give the cold shoulder, or insult, we’re making our own reaction the consequence to a behavior. There’s a couple of reasons this isn’t a good idea. For one, if the reaction is the way to “win” the conflict, whoever is willing to go the furthest (yelling, saying mean things etc) “wins.” Almost 100% of the time that’s the child. So, you either won’t win or you’ll end up feeling terrible about how you just treated your child. Our reactions affect a lot more than that one conflict. They affect the health of the overall relationship. We want to make the relationship as safe and stable as possible. You would be surprised how doing this actually minimizes the need for discipline anyway. If you make your reaction the consequence you may open a whole new can of worms-endless pathologies can emerge from an unstable and reaction-driven parent-child bond. Plus, we want to show kids how to work through conflict in a healthy way-direct communication, positive regard for one another even when we are disappointed or hurt-because that’s how they will handle their relationships outside of us too. 

What else can you do?

First, figure out what you need to do to keep your reaction out of it. Take a break, prepare yourself. 

Be creative. Figure out some logical consequence for whatever has happened and present that as the discipline. For example, if a child has begun yelling because they did not win at family game night. The logical consequence might be that they don’t get to participate in any more games that evening until they are able to express themselves without yelling. If a teen refuses to pick up after themselves, maybe they have to pay the parent who ends up having to do it. Somewhat of a real-life consequence, right? When adults don’t clean up after themselves, we often end up paying for it monetarily. Like I said, be creative, figure out what feels okay to you and stick with it. 

Helpful Tip:

Lower your voice to almost a whisper if your child gets dysregulated. When I’m presenting choices or consequences to a child who is upset, I use the same tone and cadence no matter if they are yelling at me or ignoring me. I repeat the same phrase and do not deviate from it. 

2. Choosing consequences they cannot control

Any consequence is absolutely useless if you don’t completely control it. Telling a child they can’t have their phone is useless if you know they need it when they go to practice later that day. Telling a child they will never go to the park again is not helpful if you ever want to be able to go to the park again. I think one of the reasons we often use consequences that are too large for the situation or that we can’t actually control is that we want to make sure the behavior never happens again. Unfortunately, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a child or teen that NEVER repeated a behavior or NEVER made another mistake. I’m not sure I know many adults who learn their lesson the first time either (including myself!). Discipline is about teaching our kids something and about giving them the time to learn it. The consequence may not work the first, second, or third time, but, if you have been intentional about the scope and consistency of the consequence, it will. If it doesn’t, it may be time to consider some underlying reasons why an unwanted behavior is continuing. 

What else can you do?

Try to think of consequences logically tied to the behavior. For yelling, most people won’t listen if we’re yelling at them, right? The consequence may look like “I would love to talk to you about this, but I will not if you continue yelling. Once your voice is lower, we can talk.” Taking a kids phone away might shut them up for a while, but it doesn’t really teach them anything about yelling, relationships, or communication. You are in control of whether you respond when your child is yelling and it actually may teach them how to handle conflict in the future so you don’t have to endlessly keep taking their phone away only to give it back when they need it. 

Helpful Tip: Remind yourself of time you had to change something? How long did it take? What helped you change?

3. Thinking they can control their child

Honestly, I think this is at the top of the list for the most annoying things about being human. We cannot control other people, not even our own children. Children go along most often with the adults they view as fun and safe. They may respond to us out of fear at times, but again, did you really get what you wanted if your child no longer takes their brother’s toys but they also don’t feel safe with you. Or if your teen no longer yells but they also don’t talk to you when they need help. 

Control isn’t the goal. 

What else can you do?

I think everyone has to do some of their own internal work about this one, but for this blog I suggest celebrating small wins and reminded yourself of the big picture. Child development is cyclical and don’t even get me started about adolescent development, good luck to all you teen parents. There will be ups and downs. Keep in mind your true goals for your children. They probably sound something like enjoy one another, have a close and trusting relationship, and help them grow to become decent human beings. In moments when you feel out of control, if your still headed in that general direction, you’re doing pretty well. 

Helpful Tip: Really think about what the goals is for this conflict. Is it to enjoy hanging out with your kid again? Is it to teach them something about communication or relationships? What would truly get you closer to that goal? What might you be willing to change or let go of yourself to get closer to that goal?

Discipline is hard. All parents mess up and all kids mess up too. If you can apply just some of these tips imperfectly, your relationship with your kid and your own sanity will improve. I’ve seen it a thousand times. Be forewarned, you may experience some short-term losses. When you first try to change something, the problem often worsens. But as a parent, you’re considering the long-term, so stay consistent and you’ll see change. 

Discipline can be complicated. There’s a whole lot more to consider than what I’ve outlined above. Schedule an appointment to talk about what struggles you’re having with it and figure out what might work for your family!