What Are Coping Skills Really?

What Are Coping Skills Really?

Madison Longchamp, MS, LPC

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a client plop down on the couch and immediately share how “terribly” they’ve been “coping.” As those sessions go on, we often find they have actually been coping well. They’re just still feeling the effects of a past trauma, a recent experience, or even the stress of current life. 

So, to discuss what coping skills are, let’s discuss what they aren’t. 

1. They aren’t a fix for negative feelings. 

Often clients feel coping skills they try didn’t work because the bad feeling didn’t go away. Good coping keeps us from making a situation worse. It can, but doesn’t always, make it a bit better. Good coping allows us to ride the wave of an emotion without getting stuck or increasing its intensity. 

When we begin to get into what coping skills actually are, I encourage clients to consider the weather. We can’t control the weather and we often feel its effects even with proper shelter. If you were stranded in the woods and it started pouring rain, you would certainly get wet. You could find a sheltered area in the trees and maybe even build a small shelter, zip up your coat and wait it out. You will probably still be a little wet, maybe even a little miserable, but you won’t be as wet and miserable as you would if you did nothing. That’s good coping. 

Bad coping makes a situation worse. Imagine seeking shelter from the storm in a cave with a hungry bear. That would probably make the situation worse. If we aren’t intentional about how we cope, sometimes we choose the hungry bear unknowingly. Understanding yourself and talking to a therapist can help you choose coping that affects you positively. 

2. They aren’t always easy

Often, emotions make us feel like doing exactly what will make them worse. So, coping well can sometimes be doing the exact opposite of what you really, really feel like doing. This takes practice. Make sure you try a new skill several times before deciding it isn’t for you. 

3. They aren’t the same for everyone

What works for you might not work for someone else. Simple as that.

4. They aren’t a fix for underlying issues

Coping skills are not going to fix negative patterns in your life. We all have limiting beliefs, protective patterns left from childhood or intense experiences. Coping is the proverbial band aid we put on a clean wound. If you have an underlying infection or the wound keeps getting dirty, reopened over and over, you’re putting a lot more pressure on your ability to cope. Find a therapist to work through these things with and you will find coping day to day becomes much easier. 

Don’t be so hard on yourself when you’re dealing with things. Experiencing the full range of human emotions is a good thing-it probably means you’re doing better than you think. 

If you want to see where you’re at, reach out to schedule an appointment today.